A GOVERNMENT OF THE ANGRY, BY THE ANGRY, FOR THE ANGRY

Even historians familiar with “the paranoid style in American politics” were surprised by the depth of anti-government hatred that recent polls found under a rock.

Polls now show that half of all Americans “just flat-out loathe” the federal government. Twelve percent called our democracy “a bloodsucking infringement on my God-given rights as a patriot.” Ten percent labeled the president “a fascist, a communist, and probably some other ist.” And 15 percent agreed with the statement, “When I see the *$##@)$# feds come ‘round here, I’m goin’ for my double barrel.’”

Well, now. It’s easy to blame FOXNews. And it’s fun. But kneejerk rejection of our “gangster government” is as American as having your knee jerk when your doctor taps it. And you can trace these patriotic jerks all the way to our nation’s beginnings. We take you now to our fair and balanced correspondents in history.

“Philadelphia, 1789: Polls today showed that 59 percent of American openly spit on the new Constitution. ‘It’s just King George III in drag,’ one patriot said. Seventy-five percent prefer the recent Private Sector Constitution which begins, ‘We, the CEOs of the United States...’”

“Washington, D.C., 1863: The nation’s capital is bracing for protest as slaves from across the South arrive to reject the Emancipation Proclamation. ‘Give us our chains back,’ one freedman said. “We trust our private sector masters more than this gangster government telling us we have to be free.”

“This just in from Oregon Territory. Thousands of Homeland Security ‘Steaders are thumbing their noses at the Homestead Act. ‘So now the feds say they’ll give you 160 acres just for farmin’ it. Figures! They’re always takin’ away you’re God-given right to be poor and landless. Me, I’m puttin’ my money with the Robber Barons. At least they can run a railroad. Right through my property!’”

“Chicago, 1906: Thousands of enraged Americans marched outside meat packing plants today with signs reading ‘No Pure Food Act!’ and ‘Get Your Government Hands Off My Putrefied Beef.’ ‘We’re Americans,’ one said. “We know how to pick the maggots out of our meat better than any bureaucrat.”

“Washington, D.C. 1935: President Roosevelt is reeling from a growing movement rejecting Social Security. ‘Seniors for Private Poverty’ marched today outside the White House. ‘I’d rather die bone poor, unemployed, and shamelessly exploited than live on my knees by taking this pinko socialist handout,’ one said.”

“Omaha Beach, 1944: Nazi forces were stunned today when one wave of Allied soldiers hit the beach, then abruptly turned around and went back out to sea. Seems these G.I.s did not trust the federally backed U.S. Army to stage a major amphibious assault. ‘General Motors could have run the invasion better,’ General Omar Bradley said. ‘Guess the politicians will have to deal with our rage. This could cost FDR big in November.’”

Finally – “Alabama, 1964: African-Americans are just saying ‘no’ to LBJ’s Civil Rights Bill. ‘We don’t need some blood-sucking bureaucracy in Washington to protect our civil rights,’ a spokesman said. ‘We’re doing just fine with the private sector. Some of them even hire us.’”

So when you see outraged Americans shouting about their rights -- their right to have 15 percent annual raises in health care premiums, their right to live free and unfettered and exploited, their right to be the poor, dumb shoppers the private sector wants them to be, you’ll understand. All that “hopey changey” talk, all that “government of the people, by the people, for the people” – that’s history.

-- APRIL 30, 2010

Prime Time for Primary Care

The president was right about last week’s health care summit. It was not “good television.” Unless your idea of “good television” is old Jerry Springer.

But could “good television” help Americans understand the nuances of health care reform? What if Prime Time tackled the topic? Here’s next month’s schedule:

Desperate Housewives

One housewife desperately wants breast implants, but her HMO won’t cover the procedure. The other housewives e-mail their Congressmen but get no response. So the housewives all go to a Tea Party convention where they seduce angry, unemployed men carrying copies of “Atlas Shrugged.” Back home the housewives agree – people who trust rich insurance CEOs more than they trust their elected officials are bound to end up desperate.

Seinfeld

Jerry suspects he has lost his funny bone. Kramer recommends a specialist and Jerry goes to get a referral. Six months and seventy-five tests later, doctors tell Jerry that funny bone loss is natural at his age. Presented his bill, Jerry dies laughing.

House, M.D.

A middle-aged man collapses and falls through the cracks in the health care system. After ruling out several “pre-existing conditions,” House makes his diagnosis. The fall gave the man a paranoid fear of authority. His abusive father, his carping wife, his boss – the man confuses them all with the government. The cure – House’s cutting insults, a few bungled medical procedures, skyrocketing insurance premiums, and a hot intern.

The Winter Olympics

After showing a skiing accident 27 times, Al Michaels says, “You know, Bob, here in Canada, she’ll get that ugly compound fracture fixed for free.” Then the Olympics end and everyone forgets Canada.

Oprah

Oprah talks to health insurance lobbyists who explain why corporate profits are more important than your children’s health.

The Simpsons

Homer needs a triple bypass. Marge tries to schedule surgery but Homer has no insurance. Lisa lectures Bart about the virtues of a single payer plan. Homer has a heart attack, dies, and goes to heaven where health care is free. “Is this France?” he quips, but he is soon revived and brought back to hell, aka, the American health care system.

Glenn Beck

Glenn starts his nightly rant calling Obamacare a “freedom grab.” He begins to whimper and is soon weeping uncontrollably. Doctors X-ray Beck’s brain but find nothing. They diagnose “False Sympathy Syndrome” and offer a cure – “get a real job.”

Mad Men

It’s 1965. Congress is debating Medicare, and the ad firm gets a new client - the American Medical Association. The AMA is desperate to kill Medicare, so Don Draper begins coining phrases – “socialized medicine,” “freedom to choose,” “pull the plug on Granny.” Fear fills the Heartland, clogging Congressional arteries. Medicare is filibustered to death and millions of older Americans die sooner than they might have. “Freedom to choose” is preserved. And no one can pull the plug on Granny because she's already dead.

24

 Jack Bauer has sixty minutes to find a ticking health care bill that might actually be passed. He tortures liberal Congressmen but they just scream “Public option! Public option!” With a minute to go, Bauer finds the bill, ties it up in amendments and throws it into small town meetings where it is smothered in outrage and left for dead.

Lost

When one of the survivors breaks an ankle, the group stumbles upon more “others,” two doctors who fled the nightmare of HMO compliance to set up their own practice on the island. They fix the broken ankle for a small co-pay. The survivors decide to stay on the island rather than return to a nation lost in fear and paranoia.

-- March 3, 2010

Your G.O.P. Bi-Partisan Building Manual

Congratulations! Your recent purchase of this G.O.P. Bi-Partisan Building Manual shows that you are a proud, right-thinking Republican with a lot of construction projects on your "To Do" list.

Your G.O.P. Bi-Partisan Building Manual will help you build several vital projects, working together as Americans. Together we'll build a shed, a doghouse, a log cabin, and a Bridge to Nowhere. And while building, you'll learn how the Grand Old Party has helped Americans through tough times with foresight, can-do energy, and teamwork. But enough speeches. Let's get building!

THE SHED

To begin, gather your materials, as few as you can possibly afford. Don't waste taxpayer's money on nails because this is just a shed. Don't buy into any "pork projects" for wood either. It's always overpriced. And do not consult blueprints. Most were drawn by union labor.

Once the building begins, stand nearby and point out each flaw in the workmanship. Be specific. Try phrases like "You call this a hammer?" or "In my day, we knew the value of a saw." If no one listens, try shouting. "SIX DOLLARS FOR HINGES? THIS IS AMERICA, BUDDY!" Remain on the sidelines, shouting, until shed is finished. Then store your own reputation up front and return to your constituents to give your stump speech - "Sheds: As American as Apple Pie!"

THE DOGHOUSE

Proceed as with shed except:

1. Shout louder.

2. Rake in campaign money from the dog breeder's lobby.

3. Return to your district in the middle of construction to assure your constituents you are hard at work.

4. Speak often on FOX News: "I'm all for doghouses, Bill. Heck, my dog Rex has a beauty. But I just don't think we're doin' this right."

5. When the building inspector comes, throw him off the site and give your stump speech -- "The Freedom to Build."

6. Return to construction site just in time for ribbon cutting ceremony. Smile!

THE LOG CABIN

As Democrats start work, give your stump speech on "Abraham Lincoln and America's Log Cabin Industry." Once construction begins, roll up your sleeves and continue speaking. Keep an eye out for photo-ops, with stars and stripes when possible. If asked to provide building funds, threaten a filibuster.

If construction becomes too rapid, call all builders into a committee meeting. Lecture them about wasteful spending. When building resumes, stand on the porch, wait for TV cameras to position, then quote Ronald Reagan. When log cabin is finished, give your Lincoln stump speech again.

THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE

We've all heard about this bridge but until now, no one has built one. Nowhere, however, is exactly where the G.O.P. is headed and to get there, over the will of two-thirds of the American people, you'll need that bridge, fella. So roll up your sleeves again and get talkin'.

The bridge is being built by the G.O.P. alone, so you can throw your full weight behind it. Put on a hardhat. Don that workbelt. A Bridge to Nowhere is built with steel-reinforced resistance, ironclad ideology, riveting rhetoric, and rusted out ideas. Once you've plunged to the depths of depravity to install the pilons, surface and watch that baby rise! For decades, the G.O.P. has been building bridges to the 19th century but now the Grand Old Party is really going nowhere!

When the bridge is built, give your stump speech on "Bridges as Bi-Partisan Symbols." Then walk across that Bridge to Nowhere, admiring the view.

Now you've shown Americans how the G.O.P. builds. Now you have a shed, a doghouse to lie in, a log cabin to lie about, and a bridge taking you where you belong. The future is yours.